By: Jessica Kamikaze

Love means forcing someone to watch all your favourite super girly movies and tv shows, crying into the phone until they pick you up at 4 am from a house party, and belly rubs when you’re all hungover and grumpy (and yelling “not like THAT! Soft circles in a counter-clockwise direction, you IDIOT!”) My friends, as much as I may want all of those things, those hallmarks of true love, I have already met – and lost! – the love of my life and I can never truly love again.

It was 2005 and I was staying with mumsy at a resort in Costa Rica. On that fateful day we were taking a boat cruise to a private beach for snorkeling and swimming. He strode up the beach to our little group of beachgoers like some kind of bronze Adonis, glistening in the morning sun. He didn’t speak any English, but one of the resort staff said something like “this premium slice of man cake is going to sail you away on a ship of dreams to the private island of your deepest desires”, or whatever. My glistening stallion was left to manage us using various hand signals and some English words. He directed our attention to an island but it wasn’t clear whether he was saying that the island was inhabited by monkeys, or that a monk lived there, or that the island looked like a monkey’s face. Divided by language, our love affair was doomed from the start.

My darling was such a ham! He flipped off the boat and cannonballed into the water. As we swam to the beach, he kept spitting water at me, which I thought was a little unhygienic, but I certainly wasn’t going to complain – I was in the throes of love! I was enjoying a bit of a swim (trying not to seem too eager, right ladies??) when I saw my beloved swimming out to meet me. I played it cool (obviously!) and continued my graceful breast stroke until we met in a shallow spot where I could stand. As soon as I was upright, he threw a starfish at me and it stuck to my shoulder. What the fuck, Romeo?? I dunked back into the water and brushed it off. My beloved spent the rest of the afternoon presenting me with various sea creatures, either down the back of my swimsuit or dropping them on me while I lay in the sun.  I might add that mumsy found this all quite hilarious.

As we jetted back to the resort on the mini-yacht, my devoted admirer even let me drive the boat! But when I started spinning the wheel and swerving violently, I wasn’t allowed to drive anymore. On shore, he helped everyone off the boat, like a perfect gentleman and secured the boat while we all went for a drink. I waited to see if he would come over but instead he ran to meet a girl with long flowing hair who I supposed was beautiful, if you’re into that kind of thing. They walked away hand in hand and I knew that I would never love again the way I loved on that day in Costa Rica.