By: Jessica Kamikaze
So I went to New Orleans for an academic conference. It was a fun trip and I met some nice people and we hung out and that’s awesome. Looking back, I should’ve checked online before frivolously choosing to book the first hotel I saw. Even if you’re on a budget, you can find a really cool place to stay in New Orleans for killer prices. Despite what happened during this trip, I’d still say that New Orleans is a great place overall, and would highly recommend it to anyone who hasn’t been there before. All you have to do is check the internet for good hotels (and a cheap flight if the city is too far away to drive to) and you’re pretty much all set.
On the last day I planned to go to Bourbon Street with some other grad students I had met, Norton and Maurice (names have been changed because I can’t remember them). Norton was a nice guy; I just thought he was a little socially awkward. He suggested that we go check out the French Market while Maurice had dinner with his family, then we could all go to Bourbon Street together.
Norton was totally freaked out that I ordered alligator for dinner, but I figured that was cuz he was from a small Colorado mountain town and he was just scared of new things. One our walk, Norton kept saying dumb things so, to change the subject, I asked Norton if he was excited to go to Bourbon Street. He said yes – for the jazz music and the experience though, not for the drinking. Norton said he didn’t drink at all. I asked him about it, in a way that I thought was pretty tactful, but then he started saying dumb things again, so I badgered him until he admitted the real reason he doesn’t drink: he’s Mormon.
Norton said he didn’t mind if I drank, in fact, he said, he was super good at watching out for the ladies and scaring away “bad dudes”. So I put Norton on creep-watch and strolled over to Jesters, the landmark daiquiri establishment, to get myself a gallon of their signature drink. For the experience, you know? Theeeen things started to get weird. Norton began expressing his opinion on things like the bathing suit I had been wearing earlier – which he said was sexualized because it was a two-piece – and having sex with strangers – which he said he had no problem with, as long as they had a chance to get to know each other a little and had a “connection”. I wanted to punch Norton in his stupid face, but I settled for yelling about how uncomfortable and weird it is to say those things. Then Maurice showed up and Norton stopped being a creep.
We went to the coolest bar – it was originally a blacksmith shop owned by Lafitte, the pirate king of New Orleans! It was here that I declared my commitment to finishing my gallon of daiquiri (which I had been carrying around for hours) and it was here that I fell asleep before Maurice herded me back to my hotel. What happened to Norton? Well Norton told Maurice that he wanted to “get wit” me, despite having a wife and children back in Colorado. Maurice, who is also married, threatened Norton with bodily harm if he didn’t leave immediately.
When I woke up I had missed my flight, but I had avoided the indecent advances of Norton the Mormon from Colorado.
oh, the irony…
Norton sounds like the perfect name for a Mormon. Norton the Mormon creep. Brilliant
Hahaha, I was feeling very creative when I swapped out two letters from “Mormon” to come up with “Norton”. I’m glad you liked it!
Norton doesn’t sound like a great guy to be with, good job you were saved. He shouldn’t push his views on you if yours are different either.
Alligator to eat eh? I tried crocodile once but never alligator, I guess they taste similar? A bit like chicken.
They probably taste a lot alike! The gator tasted a lot like chicken.
Hahaha, Norton sucked – not because he pushed his views on me, but because he tried to push his penis on me. But I definitely agree with you that either one would be totally undesirable.
I had alligator ribs in Walla Walla this past summer…tasted pretty much like…chicken. 🙂 Was Norton wearing a white short-sleeved shirt? That’s the Mormon give-away. lol
Alligator ribs! That’s the realest. I would totally try that! Sounds a lot better than chicken ribs…
And no, Norton had a series of coloured golf shirts and khakis. He was super stylin.
Absolutely cracking up over here. 🙂 I got out of a very religious world and your description of Norton fits most of the chaps I grew up with. How hilarious…and totally creepy. 🙂 VERY glad you survived the encounter. 🙂
Hahahaha Krista, I’m glad you escaped too. I think coming out of the mountains to such a racy place as New Orleans might be a bit much for guys like Norton.
Haha wow! Guess it was the “sexualised” bathing suit that did it for him…
Like, COME ON. Am I right? I was so upset by the comment because my bathing suit was some colourful, flower print two piece from Walmart. Keep your stupid ideas about women’s swimwear to yourself, Norton!
Norton is one lame duck.
Just like YOU Lorenzo! 😉
HAHA!!! Too funny! Thank god Norton doesn’t drink! could you imagine what he would be like if he did!
HAHA good call!
Yikes. I suppose that means discussing things like the sexualization of two-piece bathing suits must have worked to pick up his wife back in the day?
Haha. That is great! Sounds like an interesting experience.
Haha! That’s a very funny experience. Written quite well, too. =)
He sounds insecure! Glad you got away!