By: Jessica Kamikaze
How to stand around in the mud and get bitten by mosquitos (that may or may not have been carrying malaria).
One time I was on a particularly terrible vacation in the Dominican Republic. It currently stands as my worst ever vacation and possibly my most expensive one as well. I’m not going to spend an entire article complaining about this place, but suffice it to say that it sucked, then my boyfriend got sick, then I got sick. The one day of this vacation that didn’t suck completely was the day we took an off road adventure excursion to Damajaqua Cascades – the 27 waterfalls outside of Puerto Plata. It also happened to be a day on which no one was sick, which might have added to the fondness of my memories.
This was an ADVENTURE trip! So we were picked up in a gigantic truck that had a flatbed on the back with benches and a railing, but no seatbelts. Adventurous! We bumped off into the rolling hills, all the while admiring the beauty, the stray dogs and the local rum that they started handing out at 9:30 am. Then our huge lumbering truck started to climb into the mountains on roads that looked increasingly washed out. Our guide laughed and muttered something about a lot of recent rainfall. I was having a blast, bumping along with my non-stop rum and cokes, leaning over the rails to look down into the valleys.
I probably should have been sitting down and hanging on, though, because as we came around a bend we saw a truck stopped ahead of us in a swamp of mud and our driver swerved to avoid getting stuck in the same mud. The swerve sent me careening into a tall fellow, who was falling back wards while I was falling down and we managed to meet in the middle with my hand on his weiner. Grabbin’ dick on the off-road safari!
At this point the truck was stuck in the mud, so we all had to file off the truck and stand on the side of the road while a bunch of tour operators and nearby farm workers tried to get two gigantic trucks out of the mud. Everyone was getting pelted with mud, including the guy whose junk I grabbed and his girlfriend. I was standing far off to the side next to a very unfriendly mule, so I was spared the mud but I was getting eaten by mosquitos. Mosquitos that maybe be carrying MALARIA! So at this point I was an unhappy dick-grabber standing on the side of the road, probably contracting malaria.
But don’t worry friends! This still turned out to be the best day! We got out of the mud, we went to the Damajaqua Cascades and, after we climbed around all the waterfalls, we got back to the resort without incident! So I highly recommend this excursion to anyone visiting Puerto Plata. Bring bug spray and your taste for adventure!
(Caution: Weiner-grabbing is not condoned except when you’re falling down and there’s nothing else to hold on to.)
I think the phrase I said most in the last 9 months is ‘I fucking hate mosquitos’. Never grabbed someone’s dick though 🙂
Haha, I hate mosquitos too and for some reason they seem to be more attracted to me than anyone else around me ever. Even with bug spray- no relief!
There’s supposed to be a way of repelling mosquitoes with a device that makes a sound, but I’m not sure there’s a hand-held version…. unlike the wiener you groped.
Grabbin’ dick on the off-road safari! Haha, that was not where I thought this story would go… but I completely agree about mosquitoes. The threat of malaria makes them even more frustrating than usual.
Tell me more about mosquitoes. Cez had a dengue fever last year and our stay in Siem Reap sucked because of one mosquito! Awwww, so frustrating!
Mosquitoes are the worst! I made it through three weeks in Thailand without a single bite, then got attacked by a swarm of the little bastards on our last night on Koh Lanta. That plane ride the next day was the most uncomfortable ever.
I’ve become convinced that it’s possible to be killed by being swarmed by mosquitos. Not from malaria or anything, just general mosquito-ness. I ended up having to wear a head-net on calm days at my last dig, because the bug spray did nothing.
Oh god I have nightmares about this kind of thing as mosquitos seem to love me, deet or no deet!
“So at this point I was an unhappy dick-grabber standing on the side of the road, probably contracting malaria.” HAHAHA this is amazing. I wish I could say that I hadn’t been there before… but I think we’ve all been the unhappy dick-grabber possibly contracting malaria at some point.
Haha I can imagine it wasn’t much fun back then, but it made for a good story to remember! 🙂 I think the worst bites are those you don’t know where they came from, like: is that some type of spider bite?!
“Adventure travel” sounds like an understatement. I love that relevant comic strip you inserted there.
Your note “caution” at the end of the post is extremely funny and complete the whole laugh “sorry”. It’s always good to remember these embarrassing moments and awkward and mosquito bites situations and laugh.
Haha! That’s pretty funny. I hate mosquitos…
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It’s funny because sometimes the shittiest trips can be the most memorable ones! hahaha
The Damajaqua Cascades sound awesome but the rest I’ll pass on. Was it just because you were sick that you didn’t enjoy your trip?
Ha ha ha, great post and here we come I have discovered something I have never done before…. Weiner-grabbing…. I must think of it BIG LOL!